This is really interesting and helpful, as someone who suffers likewise. I’m 47 and it’s the first time I’ve come across a blog or anything like a blog that describes me to a t. I’ll comment more and read more later. Thank you for your amazing blog!
I'm over 70 and have just diagnosed myself (in conjunction with my therapist) as a PDA profile of autism. I've had meltdowns for as long as I remember only every one else called them tantrums. The worst thing about PDA is that, like Sally, I pick the person I love the most and say the most horrible things. She has a trauma response and 'orders' me away from her door. I want to leave as she is now abusing me (which escalates my meltdown) but as long as she is ordering me to leave I can not leave!!!!! We're both on board when we're regulated, but once I start to meltdown she has no control or memory of what we've agreed to and she dishes out more and more abuse and I'm outside the door screaming - help! I'm in a meltdown. Please be kind! Please stop yelling at me! Please tell me what you need and stop telling me what to do as I can't do it. But she doesn't comply and doubles down on the abuse, yelling and calling me the most vile names. That often triggers my meltdown to increase I start calling h'her' names and cursing and yelling and then after about five minutes it wanes and I'm back to being regulated and I'm horrified at what I said and did. My wife now is so traumatized that she can stay disregulated for days, routinely abusing me with vile accusations about how I'm just an abuser using PDA as an excuse and throwing everything I've said in a meltdown back at me as if A. I meant those things. and B. They prove what a vile person I am.She doesn't care when I tell her I did not mean those things and was horrified I said them. I stay with her because once we are both regulated again, all goes back to normal and she becomes her loving, lovable self again. Until the next time. Her mom was extremely abusive and violent (to her brothers, not her). She would bust up the furniture on at least one occasion. My wife is an artist and her mom made her watch as she burned all her art. My wife learned at an early age how to disconnect internally to protect herself. She routinely (and only when she's dysregulated) tells me I'm exactly like her mom. So I'm totally on my own when I melt down and sometimes think she actually triggers them in me to cause 'me' to be the bad one by triggering a meltdown when she gets dysregulated. But there is no way to know that for sure. I'm just so tired of melting down all the time. On a day with a meltdown I'm too wasted for the rest of the day to do anything and because I have PDA I have a lot of trouble getting things done anyway. So what I would like to know are two things. One: How can I get away from her door when she is ordering me loudly and angrily to leave (and she 'knows' this makes it impossible for me to leave)? And two - Is there 'any' way I can shift my meltdown anger away from her so at least she's the only abusive one and maybe she'll get regulated faster. If I can get myself to the bathroom I can get naked and take an ice cold shower. That helps. It's the getting away from her door that is hard. Thanks in advance. PS My abuse is limited to yelling, saying terrible horrible things, and sometimes kicking her door (and I hope I can stop that). I have never and would never hit or push her, or even prevent her from leaving the house or her room or damage any of her or our property. I might damage mine during a meltdown. It would be so incredibly stressful to leave the marriage as to make it impossible. I'd be melting down every fifteen minutes with all the demands downsizing, dividing property, disentangling from a 20 year marriage, deciding where to live, finding a place on my own, and moving. Also - we are still in Covid lockdown as I am a liver cancer survivor and 'know' how Covid can exacerbate Neuroanatomical problems like PDA, Autism, and adhd all of which I have. We still have our groceries delivered. Has anyone reading this found an answer to any of these questions? Thanks again!
This is really interesting and helpful, as someone who suffers likewise. I’m 47 and it’s the first time I’ve come across a blog or anything like a blog that describes me to a t. I’ll comment more and read more later. Thank you for your amazing blog!
ReplyDeleteI'm over 70 and have just diagnosed myself (in conjunction with my therapist) as a PDA profile of autism. I've had meltdowns for as long as I remember only every one else called them tantrums. The worst thing about PDA is that, like Sally, I pick the person I love the most and say the most horrible things. She has a trauma response and 'orders' me away from her door. I want to leave as she is now abusing me (which escalates my meltdown) but as long as she is ordering me to leave I can not leave!!!!! We're both on board when we're regulated, but once I start to meltdown she has no control or memory of what we've agreed to and she dishes out more and more abuse and I'm outside the door screaming - help! I'm in a meltdown. Please be kind! Please stop yelling at me! Please tell me what you need and stop telling me what to do as I can't do it. But she doesn't comply and doubles down on the abuse, yelling and calling me the most vile names. That often triggers my meltdown to increase I start calling h'her' names and cursing and yelling and then after about five minutes it wanes and I'm back to being regulated and I'm horrified at what I said and did. My wife now is so traumatized that she can stay disregulated for days, routinely abusing me with vile accusations about how I'm just an abuser using PDA as an excuse and throwing everything I've said in a meltdown back at me as if A. I meant those things. and B. They prove what a vile person I am.She doesn't care when I tell her I did not mean those things and was horrified I said them. I stay with her because once we are both regulated again, all goes back to normal and she becomes her loving, lovable self again. Until the next time. Her mom was extremely abusive and violent (to her brothers, not her). She would bust up the furniture on at least one occasion. My wife is an artist and her mom made her watch as she burned all her art. My wife learned at an early age how to disconnect internally to protect herself. She routinely (and only when she's dysregulated) tells me I'm exactly like her mom. So I'm totally on my own when I melt down and sometimes think she actually triggers them in me to cause 'me' to be the bad one by triggering a meltdown when she gets dysregulated. But there is no way to know that for sure. I'm just so tired of melting down all the time. On a day with a meltdown I'm too wasted for the rest of the day to do anything and because I have PDA I have a lot of trouble getting things done anyway. So what I would like to know are two things. One: How can I get away from her door when she is ordering me loudly and angrily to leave (and she 'knows' this makes it impossible for me to leave)? And two - Is there 'any' way I can shift my meltdown anger away from her so at least she's the only abusive one and maybe she'll get regulated faster. If I can get myself to the bathroom I can get naked and take an ice cold shower. That helps. It's the getting away from her door that is hard. Thanks in advance. PS My abuse is limited to yelling, saying terrible horrible things, and sometimes kicking her door (and I hope I can stop that). I have never and would never hit or push her, or even prevent her from leaving the house or her room or damage any of her or our property. I might damage mine during a meltdown. It would be so incredibly stressful to leave the marriage as to make it impossible. I'd be melting down every fifteen minutes with all the demands downsizing, dividing property, disentangling from a 20 year marriage, deciding where to live, finding a place on my own, and moving. Also - we are still in Covid lockdown as I am a liver cancer survivor and 'know' how Covid can exacerbate Neuroanatomical problems like PDA, Autism, and adhd all of which I have. We still have our groceries delivered. Has anyone reading this found an answer to any of these questions? Thanks again!
ReplyDelete